Oh, My Baby.

!!TW: death, car accident, grief, survivor's guilt, trauma

I still go down that road, every single day,

Regret filling through me, nook and corner.

If only you hadn’t trusted me as much,

If only we hadn’t gotten drunk that night,

If only we stayed home,

If only I could take it all back.

Your smell still haunts my car,

Little giggles echo out of nowhere.

You looked breathtaking,

If only I hadn’t looked away,

If only I hadn’t said “We’re fine.”,

If only I noticed how dark the road was,

If only I said no instead of “Let’s go.”

One second.

That’s all it took.

You were whisked away from me, right in-front of my eyes.

I can still see it, clear as day,

Your unblinking eyes, still and cold

Staring blankly into mine.

You weren’t there anymore.

But I kept looking,

Begging for something to move.

A twitch, a breath,

Anything.

Nothing.

I said your name.

It broke in my throat.

You didn’t answer.

You never will.

They pulled us out.

Red. Red everywhere.

But your face,

Still warm.

I held you in my arms,

Told you I was sorry.

For everything.

For not stopping time.

If only I hadn’t been driving.

If only I had slowed down.

If only I hadn’t taken that turn.

If only I paid attention.

I didn’t cry then.

Just sat there,

Feeling everything and nothing

All at once.

If only I could trade my breath for yours.

If only I could erase the night, rewrite the end.

But time, such a cruel and quiet witness,

Now all I have

Is your blood on my hands.

I’m sorry.

I miss you. So much.

I wish it were me instead.