Muddy Waters

So what do I say I am then? Do I say I’m happy? Do I say I’m sad?

I don’t even know which parts of me are real anymore.

Some pieces smile out of habit. Others ache without a sound.

Falling, spiralling, dropping dead into a puddle.

There are days I wake up and wear a version of myself that fits just enough to get by.

But underneath, there’s a quiet war, one that no one sees, no one asks about.

I laugh in conversations I barely follow, nod at words that never land.

And when I’m alone, I sift through the wreckage, trying to recognise what’s mine.

I’m not sure if I’m breaking or just rearranging,

But I know I’ve become a collage of thoughts I don’t know how to say out loud.

And then, there’s you, watching me with eyes that seem to know too much.

I want to be honest with you, but I don’t know how to unwrap this mess gently.

I’m scared that if I hand you the truth, you’ll hold it like something fragile, or worse, flinch away.

You ask me how I’m doing, and I say “Fine.”, like it’s a magic spell to hold everything together.

But I’m not fine.

I’m stitched together by silence and survival.

And you,

You deserve more than these broken fragments I keep offering.

You deserve the version of me I can’t find right now.

You deserve a piece of you.

A piece with soft edges and stubborn corners.

A book with annotations and ink smudged from too many readings.

A sweater unraveling at the cuffs but still warm where it matters.

You’re the laughter tucked between sighs.

The supple hands brushing a tear.

A sharp mind with soft instincts.

Anger tempered by compassion.

You are not perfect.

But you are whole in ways I’ve never been. Can never be,

A soul stitched together with love, while noise has never left mine.

But you don’t understand, I don’t know how to tell you.

So, in the end, I give you a piece of me anyway.

Even if it’s chipped at the edges, even if it trembles in your hands.

I don’t think I could ever stop you from learning my signs.

Take it. Not because it’s perfect, but because it’s mine.

And it’s the only truth I have left to give.